the drum|rob fairbanks

Keller on How to Treat Homosexuals

I thought this was a fair and gracious handling of an increasingly difficult topic. From my perspective, Keller is the epitome of grace and dignity. I am not a huge fan of his Calvinism, but there are few I would vote for to represent Christianity more than Keller.

 

More Sex Talk - Pt 2

WHAT IS HEALTHY SEXUALITY?

Ok, here is the second half of my friend, Nancy Janzen's email about "Healthy Sexuality."  If you didn't get a chance to read Sex Talk - Part 1...then proceed with caution.  Just kidding.  Terrific and thoughtful stuff about sex and commitment - obviously cross-grain with much of the drivel-ish romanticism we get force-fed from the media/cinema.  Enjoy.

When you are married, you've committed to a person and a way of life or path.  It means that you are actually choosing some really great things and also quite intentionally saying, "There are in fact other experiences validated by our society as enriching, enlightening, and expanding of the Self and I will never have those experiences, ever.  I realize this is something I am giving up now and forever, even if someday, other kinds of sexuality sound much more interesting that what I signed up for." 

So why marry then, if I am closing option loops? Is it worth it? These are questions we used to have a context and vernacular for. We used words like virtue and commitment and heritage and legacy without flinching or feeling suddenly very unhip.   The truth is, marriage is wildly hip. It is probably the single coolest, hippest thing I will ever do. If I do nothing else well in my life, a marriage that stands the test of time says, "I am here, I am loved and I have given love."

This goes to core of who we are and yet we hardly ever even acknowledge this. Even our love stories only focus on "finding true love" and we seem to have very little ability to imagine narratives that involve two people loving and laboring and striving together for noble pursuits over time.  We joke about minivans and bifocals and helping each other with our walkers but you know what, if you love someone and you've worked hard to find a groove with that person and you are together and in love after twenty or thirty years, there actually is nothing else in the world like that. You can take all the trips you want, buy whatever you want, succeed however you choose, even have great kids, but having a truly amazing life partner by your side everyday, there are few things that can touch that that we get to experience here on this earth with another human being . 

Unfortunately, if you are playing the hook-up game now or even dabble with it when you're married, guess what...? You get booted back to Start with your crappy little game piece. You don't get a lot of those golden marriage moments that are exclusively on that path. You don't get to go by Gumdrop Alley or land on the $200,000 bonus square in whatever weird version of Life you decide to play as you make up your own rules. God actually sort of nailed this one, like the rest of the few very specific principles he choose to take quite a bit of time to get written down and communicated to us. I think because those rewards may not be as obvious, are not told to us in our stories or reinforced, we grab the immediate which excludes the golden. 

Yeah, so get excited about the pure joy of fidelity. Fidelity. It is so hot and amazing, you have no idea how sweet that is after twenty years which really, there is the paradox: marriage and vibrant sexuality is way cooler than people realize but is brewed slowly. It's so much more than just "being with the person you love for the rest of your life." That is sort of the starting point and what should probably be obvious, the selfish starting point. Then you add in purpose, peace, meaning, depth, accomplishment and the sacred. It's borders on being indescribable. 

To sum, I am choosing this person and this path and in doing so I believe the riches and joys to come, often less defined, glorified and tangible, are worth that exclusion and the pursuit of a life that will probably involve more discipline than I am aware of at this moment. I believe I am up to the task and I believe in doing so I am honoring myself, my God and my community.  I believe I will be greatly rewarded beyond all I could ask or imagine.

Disclaimer (again): This is written to an audience of people either considering marriage or already married.  I am speaking from my own experience and am aware not everyone married twenty years is as excited about marriage or fidelity as I am, quite possibly for very valid reasons. And no, my marriage hasn't been easy. Yes, he has great legs and I have straight, white teeth... Hardly a foundation in which to weather debt, food stamps, health issues, small business ownership, child rearing, and childhood sexual abuse issues we faced over the last 21 years of marriage. Thankfully, he picked his path and decided to stay. I am forever grateful to him, to Jesus, who saved us both so we could help save each other.

Give me your thoughts?  Is Nancy living a pollyannaish dream world?  Is there something to sex beyond serial-monogamy, partners, affairs?  Does this stuff actually make any sense?  

Some Sex Talk - Part 1 - Guest Blogger: Nancy Janzen

Last week Robi and I were asked to speak to a group of college students about "healthy sexuality."  It was a blast...the talk.  I was suffering from laryngitis, so my voice sounded like Barry White, which seriously helps when talking about sex.  Before we did our talk, I asked a few friends to weigh in on the topic.  One of the responses was so good that I decided (with permission) to post it here on The Drum.  The author is our dear friend and brilliant thinker, Nancy Janzen.  Here is the first part of her email (I'm not kidding, this is an email):

How would it be if when we talked about love or marriage or sex or all of the above, we did it within the context of a lifetime or even eternity... 

Or how about the idea of discussing marriage as a path with pleasure on it but in fact, not all of the pleasures or pleasure options in the world...

A phrase I love to use is the end-result perspective or back-mapping as it's sometimes called. Your actions are taking you somewhere; do you know where it is?  The reality is you have to choose a path, commit to that path and work backward from there. Not just choose the person, but choose a path. I truly believe that there are sexual experiences specifically that are not on all the paths and are actually quite exclusive to what path you choose. 

For example, I am quite confident there are some really thrilling things about having an affair. There are aspects that might expand my life in some way, temporarily or possibly even permanently. I might learn some new thing about myself or have a new sexual experience even, not to be too detailed, that was ultra fantastic.

To be clear, this scenario is presented as one of the the highest values in our culture, an expansion of Self through sexual freedom and should rarely be limited. The idea of limiting sexual freedom conveys death, not that you are in fact taking on a greater, more expansive type of life and living. 

I think this is so important to grasp this because when you get married, most people initially perceive an affair as unthinkable because you are in love. The affair is Bad and marriage is Good.  But there will be a time when your marriage may have a bad day or even a bad week or month. Maybe a year or two or a whole season that is rocky. Suddenly things that you once thought were Bad need to be reevaluated, even considered Good under the right conditions.  If your whole frame of reference changes with time and if it started with the premise of a morality organized around happiness, then what you move in and out of will be very fluid. 

This means that you have almost a zero percent chance of experiencing what is truly glorious and amazing about marriage, much of which I believe happens the longer you are sexually monogamous and married. You are essentially on a path that has a minus depth factor, probably in all areas of life not just your marriage or sexuality.   You are becoming a person that organizes your relationships completely around Self. All the wisdom and sacred teachings for thousands of years all say the secrets and rewards and blessings of life come with about every other path besides this one... 

Disclaimer from Nancy: This is written to an audience of people either considering marriage or already married.  I am speaking from my own experience and am aware not everyone married twenty years is as excited about marriage or fidelity as I am, quite possibly for very valid reasons. And no, my marriage hasn't been easy. Yes, he has great legs and I have straight, white teeth... Hardly a foundation in which to weather debt, food stamps, health issues, small business ownership, child rearing, and childhood sexual abuse issues we faced over the last 21 years of marriage. Thankfully, he picked his path and decided to stay. I am forever grateful to him, to Jesus, who saved us both so we could help save each other.

There is part one.  I will post the rest of her email tomorrow.  Stay tuned...

What do you think "healthy sexuality" means?  Does it involve more than the event of sex or is there more?  How has culture informed your perspective?