the drum|rob fairbanks

Discernment and my Broken Soul

While enjoying a wonderful break with my family in Seaside, Oregon, I was able to carve out enough time to read Henri Nouwen's perceptive book entitled, Discernment. In the book, he makes several statements regarding how he spent much of his life craving affirmation, attention and acceptance of others.

He had attempted to possess others in the hope of acquiring satisfaction for his souls neediness.

In many ways, this has been my journey. I know it is a soft spot for me because when I don't get what I think "I deserve" I enter into a horrible soul level tumult.

Along the same lines, I have encountered real struggle when I have attached my soul to a community. I, with complete certainty, believe that every person, including me, desperately needs a community to be fully healthy. Nevertheless, if the community occupies too large of a space in one's life, there is a fragility or inordinate exposure. It must not occupy the space only Christ should hold. Nouwen wrote:

"I also learned afresh that friendship requires a constant willingness to forgive each other for not being Christ, and a willingness to ask Christ himself to be the true center of the relationship. When Christ does not mediate a friendship, that relationship easily becomes demanding, manipulating, and oppressive and fails to offer the other the space to grow." (Discernment, p. 75) 

This became altogether evident in my experience with the church I formerly led, particularly upon the final stages of separation. The moment that demonstrated the nadir was the “reconciliation meetings” with the person who was my successor. Besides being poorly arranged, it also provided a clear reality of an over-reliance on the community. I needed from the community more than was possible or what should have been expected. It manifested in my need for acknowledgment and affirmation and in the apparent injuries to the next pastor and his spouse.

The meeting, from my perspective, was ill-fated from the beginning, mostly because of my injury and immaturity.

The moment of darkness came when the mediator finally realized, though I had led the community for nearly 20 years, I was alone in the room. I literally felt like something broke inside of me, that which in many ways I am still healing from years later...

I was expecting something from a group of people that for a variety of reasons was an impossibility...something that exposed in me an expectation that only Jesus could meet.

They tried, at least that is what I cling too…to navigate the complexity of hurt and separation, but at the end of the day it was not to be sorted. I still carry with me the awful sadness of the experience. I hope I can find (discern) the balance of commitment and connection, without enmeshment that is always the enemy of true community.

The thing on my end is, I held too tightly to something that never belonged to me. Though difficult, I need to employ the Ignatian discipline of “detachment!” It is the need to hold all things loosely. God can take and give, and it should be my posture to hold all things passionately, yet loosely (a tough proposition).

Two things I know: Nouwen, through his writings, continues to be one of my most trusted mentors, and I sadly held my former role too possessively.

r

Exercising "Indifference"

I've been writing the last couple of weeks about the discipline of listening. I must again admit that I'm a novice at this discipline.

This week I've been trying to put into practice the spiritual discipline of “Indifference.” “Indifference” doesn't mean anything like “I don't care” or “It doesn't make any difference to me,” but has more to do with the idea of holding things lightly. As Ruth Haley Barton puts it,

“This is an ‘interior freedom’ or state of openness to God in which we are free from undue attachment to any particular outcome….There is a capacity to relinquish whatever might keep us from choosing God and love, and we have to come to a place where we want God and God’s will more than anything – more than ego gratification, more than wanting to look good in the eyes of others, more than personal ownership, comfort or advantage.”

As someone with a personal makeup that is fairly intense, I find the idea of listening in general hard and exercising “indifference” towards something a bit of a departure from my core make up. 

While I think there are many nuances to this concept, where it has shown up for me is in the interactions I've had this week. I've tried to move into each one of them holding the “outcome lightly.” The ultimate goal has been to try to listen (dual process – listening to the person and attempting to attune my ear to the voice of God) and not being dominated by what I want or what would be best for me.

One example can be found in an interaction I had with another pastor here in Spokane. As potential result of the connection could have been a significant advantage for myself and for the church plant I'm working on, so I had to prepare myself going into the meeting to not try to move the conversation a particular way or to create a pathway so that I could get it where I wanted. What I attempted to do was stay in a listening posture hoping to hear through what he was sharing and hoping for God's Will to be displayed in some way. I think that was accomplished.

How hard is it for you to engage others while holding your personal aspiration lightly?

r

Communal Listening Liturgy

Here is a liturgy I wrote for our new group, Immanuel to attempt to put into practice what I have been talking about the last two days.  Enjoy!

Note: I passed out the texts in advance to others so I was not the only one leading.

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There are many things that we need from God. One is how he is leading us. In the Old Testament, we are told that under Moses, the People of God followed God in a cloud and a pillar of fire. They refused to move until the cloud or pillar moved and when it did move, the people packed up and went forth.

I hope we can always receive fresh revelation from God, but also discernment.  One thing that we have looped back to several times is the potential of, instead of launching something new, joining something else that is going.

3 thoughts:

1)    Joining God where he is already working.

2)    Supporting a need that is clear we can assist

3)    Seeing ourselves in a humble manner. 

Listening exercise.

Breath – Breathing is one of the most vital and involuntary things we can do. It is both required and innate. Most of the time we are completely unaware of its rhythm. We just do it.

When we move into an anaerobic state, we become completely aware of our breath, because we are heaving for more.  There just isn’t enough air around us to satisfy our need. It is more like gulping, then breathing. It is like we are reaching out for just a bit more so our body can recover.

It is noticeable when we are still as well. When we are completely still many things that are happening become apparent. Noises that are unnoticeable become glaring when we stop. For me, I can hear my “tinnitus (a ringing in my ears from listening to music too loud).” I also become painfully aware of my thoughts swishing around at break neck speed. I touch on things that are unresolved, insecurities I have, and dreams that I long for. I also notice my breath.

For a moment, let’s just concentrate on that...our breath. It is a sign of life.  If you can sense your breath, it is a sure sign that you are still on the earthy side of living.

Psalm 146:1-4 - Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord, O my soul! I will praise the Lord as long as I live; I will sing praises to my God while I have my being. Put not your trust in princes, in a son of man, in whom there is no salvation. When his breath departs, he returns to the earth; on that very day his plans perish.

Psalm 104:24-30 - O Lord, how manifold are your works! In wisdom have you made them all; the earth is full of your creatures. Here is the sea, great and wide, which teems with creatures innumerable, living things both small and great. There go the ships, and Leviathan, which you formed to play in it. These all look to you, to give them their food in due season. When you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are filled with good things. When you hide your face, they are dismayed; when you take away their breath, they die and return to their dust. When you send forth your Spirit, they are created, and you renew the face of the ground.

Stop…

Breath is a gift from God. In fact, the Greek and Hebrew from breath is the same God chose for His Spiritual manifestation – the Holy Spirit. It is the same word. Both are a gift.

Job 33:4 - The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life 

Stop…

Let me state some core beliefs.

• We believe in the Holy Spirit, His indwelling and attentive leading.
• We believe that the Holy Spirit not only desires to speak to us individually, but as a community.

I Samuel 3:1-9 – The boy Samuel ministered before the Lord under Eli. In those days the word of the Lord was rare; there were not many visions. One night Eli, whose eyes were becoming so weak that he could barely see, was lying down in his usual place. 3 The lamp of God had not yet gone out, and Samuel was lying down in the temple of the Lord, where the ark of God was. 4 Then the Lord called Samuel. Samuel answered, “Here I am.” 5 And he ran to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.” But Eli said, “I did not call; go back and lie down.” So he went and lay down. 6 Again the Lord called, “Samuel!” And Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.” “My son,” Eli said, “I did not call; go back and lie down.” 7 Now Samuel did not yet know the Lord: The word of the Lord had not yet been revealed to him. 8 The Lord called Samuel a third time, and Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.” Then Eli realized that the Lord was calling the boy. 9 So Eli told Samuel, “Go and lie down, and if he calls you, say, ‘Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.’” So Samuel went and lay down in his place.

This is our prayer – Speak to us Lord, WE are listening.

Stop…listen (I gave an unusual amount of time on this one, bordering on awkward, attempting to do my own listening to the Holy Spirit for when to conclude the silence)

After, spend time to debrief what people have heard.

One other practice that is related to breath in the Bible is praise…

Psalm 150 - Praise the Lord! Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens! Praise him for his mighty deeds; praise him according to his excellent greatness! Praise him with trumpet sound; praise him with lute and harp! Praise him with tambourine and dance; praise him with strings and pipe! Praise him with sounding cymbals; praise him with loud clashing cymbals! Let everything that has breath praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!

End by going around the group allowing people to express praise or gratitude to God in response to last reading.

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Peace,

r

The Listening Christian Community

As I mentioned yesterday the idea of listening for God's direction in ministry and mission is something that is critically important, but quite difficult.

In thinking about how we are to listen it seems like there are three components that have to be grappled with.

The first one is captured in the word, Immediacy.

When I say immediacy, what I'm referring to is the imperative of obedience. The requirement for the Nation of Israel was to respond appropriately to whatever the “pillar of fire or the pillar of cloud” was doing. If it moved, the people were to move. If it stayed put, the people were to remain still. I think an axiom of this component might be: if we ever expect God to speak to us, we must be willing to unreservedly respond by saying, yes to what we hear. An example of this happened to me a few years ago while I was seeking God’s guidance as to whether I should take the presidency of Christian Associates or not. It was something I emotionally really wanted, but was still honestly seeking God's direction as I much as I possibly could. My process included seeking advise from loving friends, engaging in what the Mennonites call, clearness committees (click the link to see how they work). I was personaly praying and listening as well.  It was a hard, but good process. During one of those nights of seeking God I actually heard audible voice in the middle of the night. Just so you know, I can count on one finger how many times this has happened to me in my life. The voice said, “You're not done yet.” Well, that was not the message I wanted to hear, so I sought to rationalize it several different ways. The realty was, New Community, the church I was pastoring at the time simply wasn’t ready for that profound of a transition. After a few hard days of trying to justify the message to fulfill my emotions, I concluded that I shouldn't expect God to continue to speak to me at all if I'm not willing to obey when he does speak to me. The upshot, I pulled my name from the application process. One year later, I was re-approached by Christian Associates and got a green light from God that time.

The second aspect of listening is that of Intimacy.

The very nature of listening is intimate, isn’t it? To listen to someone is a wonderfully loving and honorable act. Intimacy reflects both relationship and trust. In John 10, Jesus is described as the Good Shepherd.

It says,

“He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When He has brought out all his own, He goes on ahead of them, and His sheep follow him because they know His voice.” (John 10:3-4)

Ok, here is a toughie - shouldn't it be normal for a follower of Christ to be able to recognize the voice of their Savior, of the Good Shepherd? Isn't that the promise that we receive as Christian? The challenge, however is, many of us do not have our minds and hearts attuned to the voice of the Spirit. I find on a practical level that the Spirit normally speaks through sublte promptings in my mind (like Elijah's still small voice). Over time I've had to sensitize my thinking to recognize and discern what is just my crazy brain spinning in circles, making stuff up and what is the gentle, loving voice of God's Spirit.

Lastly, there is the aspect of Time.

We are all so used to receiving what we want immediately. Whether it is fast food, or pizza delivered to our house, or the reconciling of a difficult relationship. We all want instantaneous results. The reality, however, is in the area of listening it just takes time. And that is where I struggled the most. If you know me well, you know that I am seriously ADD. I know, many people say that. In fact, recently I was bemoaning the fact that I am ADD to my wife (a therapist) to which she responded back, like talk’in trash, you are not any worse than anyone else. Well, at that, she dug up a test for me to take. I have never been good at test, but I "aced" this one. I crushed it!!! Anyway, holding still and listening is just east of torture for me…at least for much of my life. I will admit that I am getting better at it as I get older. The real challenge for all of us is our minds have so much “spinning” going on, that it is very difficult to hear! We must learn to stop, to rest, to suspend input (that suspending includes FB/Twitter/iPhone/email) long enough to begin to parse out the voices in our mind.

That is the charge this new little band of brothers and sisters are attempting to live into…together. To listen for the good voice of our loving Lord to direct us into mission in our city. I can hardly think of a more challenging or privileged calling for a community to have.

Peace y'all!

r

The Listening Leader or Is Christian Leadership and Listening Oxymoronic?

I have started on one of those “Read Through the Bible in a Year” programs for 2013. I have done this annually for many years but have dropped the practice in the last few for a variety of reasons. Nonetheless, I believe it is vital to get the full scope of Scripture and there are no shortcuts in getting there. You just have to sit down and read. I believe that the Gospel is found in the entire Bible, not just in select verses that evangelicals have hyper-focused on for the last several decades. It was NT Wright and a few others who have asked the poignant question: Do we actually need to read the whole of Scripture to arrive at a clear and full understanding of the gospel?” Sadly, most will unequivocally say that you need to engage the full corpus of Scripture, but in real time their lives deny the fact. 

Okay, to my point… while reading through the Pentateuch I was once again arrested by the narrative of how God led the nation Israel with a “Pillar of Cloud and a Pillar of fire.” These two images represented God’s presence for the people. To simply state the scenario, God firmly instructed them that their role was to unreservedly follow Him in fire and the cloud. When the cloud and fire moved, they all were to “Pack up the babies and grab the old ladies” and follow (sorry, I could not resist the temptation to quote a Neil Diamond song). When it was stationary, the nation pitched their tents and hunkered down. Pretty simple, right? I am being serious when I say that my dog Buckley could track with those commands. Buckley come! Buckley stay! Bam. This is easy stuff.

Now to the present–a group of us are embarking on a new church plant here in Spokane (it is called Immanuel Church). The clear marching orders from God so far are… ready? “Listen!” That's right, simply listen. Once again simple, easy - right? Nope. As the quasi-leader of this new tribe I realized that listening is not my long suit. I have listened… once or twice. :-)  I have even taught on “listening.” See, I’m a “teller” not a “listener.” Ok, how I put that was kinda overstated, but... Anyway, as a value, I believe with all my heart that today's best type of leader must possess in her/his "tool-box" a highly refined discipline of listening–to others, to their own heart, and to God (as a friend and I like to call – a tri-phonic approach).

• Ok, our listening to God test is being taken: As of now, not an epic fail! More like a failing forward.
• However, Immanuel's resolve: live into the listening life of a follower community. We're commited.

2 questions:

1. How are you at listening to God?  I know some find it easier than others, so it wouldn’t surprise me if some of you find a listening posture your natural repose.
2. What has made listening easier/more effective for you?

Seriously, I/we need help!

r