the drum|rob fairbanks

Living into the Now

As some of you know, I spent a stint of time in the hospital this week. I blacked out a few time, took an unwanted ride in an ambulance and was pricked and prodded with no clear answer for the “why” behind the episodes. I am home now and as you might guess, I have been feeling quite introspective. There’s nothing like spending a 24 hours with Doctors thinking you’ve had a heart attack to get you into a “thinking about your personal mortality” space.

In light of these things, I dug up a quote I remembered from Steve Jobs. Many of you have heard this before, but here’s the quote:

“For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: 'If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?' And whenever the answer has been 'No' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.”

I’m afraid my batting average is a bit too low on allowing the days to go by unattended, or more so, captured by other, mostly, inane things.

I also stumbled upon this weird and intense TED video by Shia Labeouf. Here is the video:

 

If you watched it, there is obviously a visceral and compelling aspect to this video.  It is maybe overdone, but still challenging to me. Stop pissing around and just “do it!” Stop making excuses and just “do it!” Stop allowing other things that are really rubbish to steal your life and “do it!”  (he last three lines were me riffing on Labeouf’s rant)

Ok, please don’t get me wrong. I have had the privilege to do almost everything I have hoped for in my life. My life is full and rich. That said, attempting to steward the gifts and ideas God has given me, I have not come close to what could be leveraged. See I love life and people and, if you allow me to be a bit overly dramatic, I hunger to live into all there is to do and be.

Really, that is all I have to say this morning. I am alive, grateful, but still desire for more of what life is to be for someone following King Jesus.

r

missional life?

Sample dialogue for any conversation ever right now
Well-meaning person: well now, and what are you going to do after graduation? 
Me: *turns into a monster taco and eats them*
Okay, actually I mumble something about looking mainly for internships and a few jobs, mostly in churches. But inside that panic attack is kicking into high gear. I’m not making assumptions for the rest of the senior class, but I have no clue where I’m going to be after graduation. What I’m going to be doing. Where I’ll be living. 
Hello, terror. 
Worst of all is that feeling that I won’t end up in the right place, that I’ll suddenly discover I hate what I’m doing and now I’m stuck with it. for me, that confusion is compounded, because I’m about to switch to only a music ministry track and what if I suddenly decide music ministry is just not for me? or I’m really bad at it? I can barely stumble through the prayers of the church on Sundays, and I want to lead services? 
Okay, step back for a second, Anna’s just writing a post about general graduation freakout, we’re in a class called missional church, how do these connect? 
Well, they sort of do in my mind. When I track my terror to its source, it’s that I’m not sure I’m going to end up in the right place. And oh, God’s not going to guide me to the right place? God has no plans whatsoever? great. Once again, my anxiety is really just me pushing God away. No big deal, I got this, I’ll panic about it on my own thanks very much. 
Wherever I end up in four months, God’s going to have work for me to do there. And this is the big takeaway for me from this whole class: I’m on mission for God wherever I am. Whether I’m living in my parents’ basement or working at a megachurch (or both), I’m living out God’s mission. And as long as I spend a lot of time prayerfully asking for guidance, I can’t go too far wrong. 
Can I?

Anna

Thoughts on Growing Old/er

The tree with the old dog, Buckley

This morning (my birthday) I was reading some poetry to my wife outside under our lovely birch tree in our front yard.  Sitting under this tree has been the launching pad for some of our most stimulating conversations.  With a cup of coffee or glass of wine, an endless line of wonderful friends have sat with us under this colossal tree over the years.  It reminds me of what Eden must have been like.  

Anyway, I stumbled upon this next passage, which captured my thoughts about aging and stirred in me a bit of an existential moment.

From the Epilogue of Mary Oliver’s book entitled Thirst.

“…Oh Lord, I was never a quick scholar but sulked and hunched over my books past the hour and the bell; grant me, in your mercy, a little more time. Love for the earth and love for you are having such a long conversation in my heart. Who knows what will finally happen or where I will be sent, yet already I have given a great many things away, expecting to be told to pack nothing, except the prayers which, with this thirst, I am slowly learning.”

Oliver has touched me with her skillful, almost magical use of words.  Note the phrase in italics - beautiful.  I am not sure whether the epilogue speaks to where I am or where I long to be, but I am moved nonetheless.